thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
