Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
