Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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