i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
