I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
