He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
