Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
