you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
