i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
