My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
