I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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