Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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