I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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