every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am available for nakedness
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
