So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
