i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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