How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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