Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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