she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
my poor anus
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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