I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
should my penis look like a turkey
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
