I cut my penus on the lid.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
They are going to name an STD after you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
