I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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