The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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