Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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