Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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