Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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