dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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