Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
