Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
