we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
