Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
