Too much gin, very little bucket
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
