My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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