did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
