i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Alive.
So much puke
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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