I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
