You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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