Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
