I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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