I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
