They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
