Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
