Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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