u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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