I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
someone owes me an orgasm
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
