Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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