I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
