soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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