the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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