standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
