I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
